post knee surgery

Wow, Sept. 2nd is when I went in for knee Artho.  It freaking sucked, like total honesty.  I am in more pain now than before.  My knee wants to buckle or it feels like it catches.  Sometimes if I am on it a while, it feels like someone came up and kicked me in the back of the knee.  Stairs are an issue so is going downhill.  I spent Tuesday/Wed. night in the ER, as I was doing the PT exercises that the doc had me doing and something popped.  I was in extreme pain and my leg from my buttcheek to my toes swelled up.  The ER did x-rays but did not do an MRI as they share a mobile MRI, and it was not there that night and sent me home after giving me a shot, and checking for infection to see my ortho doc as they think I tore a ligament or have some soft tissue issues. They sent me home on crutches and a leg brace. I went back to the ortho doc, and all I got was well I removed a lot of fluid during surgery so I am not worried, and sent me to start PT tomorrow, and to get off the crutches and out of the knee brace.  Ok, I have looked on the internet painful popping after surgery and buckling is not good, so needless to say I am hoping the sports medicine doc and PT, can help it or I will be seeking a second opinion.

I am getting so frustrated because I am tired of sitting and doing nothing. Like I am hearing it from my friends and family that I am overdoing it and getting all sorts of lectured.  First, when I went back to the doc, I did ask if it was from overdoing it and the answer was no, I am having issues because of all the problems that were being fixed, more people only have 1 or 2... I had 4 issues.   I am tired of my leg swelling up and having to not do anything because I am miserable.  I did a photoshoot yesterday that involved driving, then went to an art show gallery opening, and guess what today... I am pretty much in bed because my leg hurts.  It doesn't help, that in my head I keep thinking of how fat I am going to get again, and how all my fitness goals are just floating away.  It's like all my hard work is going out the window.

 So yesterday, I did this shoot for Heels for Combat Boots which is an organization like Wounded Warrior, only the HFCB does PTSD/TBI.  It was a military themed pin-up shoot.  I have been depressed lately with this knee injury that honestly I was going to bail out and here is why:

I have a big confession to make.  I have a huge self-esteem issue, like it's something I battle almost everyday.  So a couple of opportunities came up and I said yes... I almost bailed on them because I felt like I wasn't good enough to do those projects, even though chosen.  I feel like I can't compare to the other girls, because 1. I am plus-size. 2. I am so uncoordinated when it comes to girly things.  3. I think that people only see that fat ugly girl that no one wants.    So I went through the first photoshoot, and yesterday, something clicked.   I am so happy I did it.  I am only sharing because I wanted other girls to know.  I don't know if it's the constant teasing and bullying, or if media and society has made it so a lot of girls feel this way.

The first pic, is of an outtake from yesterday's photo shoot.

disappointment

well Running is done for me for a bit.  Doc follow-up involved a MRI, which in turn sent me to surgery today for knee surgery.  I need a debridement, fat pad issue, fluid on front of knee, and cyst on back of knee.  I did run the foam run a 2 weeks ago, that was a blast only my knee popped and then swelled so I knew I messed it up.  The foam run was a blast, as it was like a big bubble bath.  Only downfall, the foam made my clothes smell but it came out, within a few washings.  My sister and I did her first taco bike ride last Thursday.

Because of knee surgery, my goal of competing in next year's fitness comp is going out the window, each day slowly.  So on that note, I am planning on 2016.  I am however, going to continue the weight loss journey, and I want to run the Spartan Race in Hawaii with my brother next August.

my sis and I on her first taco bike ride

Knee surgery 9-2-2014