post knee surgery

Wow, Sept. 2nd is when I went in for knee Artho.  It freaking sucked, like total honesty.  I am in more pain now than before.  My knee wants to buckle or it feels like it catches.  Sometimes if I am on it a while, it feels like someone came up and kicked me in the back of the knee.  Stairs are an issue so is going downhill.  I spent Tuesday/Wed. night in the ER, as I was doing the PT exercises that the doc had me doing and something popped.  I was in extreme pain and my leg from my buttcheek to my toes swelled up.  The ER did x-rays but did not do an MRI as they share a mobile MRI, and it was not there that night and sent me home after giving me a shot, and checking for infection to see my ortho doc as they think I tore a ligament or have some soft tissue issues. They sent me home on crutches and a leg brace. I went back to the ortho doc, and all I got was well I removed a lot of fluid during surgery so I am not worried, and sent me to start PT tomorrow, and to get off the crutches and out of the knee brace.  Ok, I have looked on the internet painful popping after surgery and buckling is not good, so needless to say I am hoping the sports medicine doc and PT, can help it or I will be seeking a second opinion.

I am getting so frustrated because I am tired of sitting and doing nothing. Like I am hearing it from my friends and family that I am overdoing it and getting all sorts of lectured.  First, when I went back to the doc, I did ask if it was from overdoing it and the answer was no, I am having issues because of all the problems that were being fixed, more people only have 1 or 2... I had 4 issues.   I am tired of my leg swelling up and having to not do anything because I am miserable.  I did a photoshoot yesterday that involved driving, then went to an art show gallery opening, and guess what today... I am pretty much in bed because my leg hurts.  It doesn't help, that in my head I keep thinking of how fat I am going to get again, and how all my fitness goals are just floating away.  It's like all my hard work is going out the window.

 So yesterday, I did this shoot for Heels for Combat Boots which is an organization like Wounded Warrior, only the HFCB does PTSD/TBI.  It was a military themed pin-up shoot.  I have been depressed lately with this knee injury that honestly I was going to bail out and here is why:

I have a big confession to make.  I have a huge self-esteem issue, like it's something I battle almost everyday.  So a couple of opportunities came up and I said yes... I almost bailed on them because I felt like I wasn't good enough to do those projects, even though chosen.  I feel like I can't compare to the other girls, because 1. I am plus-size. 2. I am so uncoordinated when it comes to girly things.  3. I think that people only see that fat ugly girl that no one wants.    So I went through the first photoshoot, and yesterday, something clicked.   I am so happy I did it.  I am only sharing because I wanted other girls to know.  I don't know if it's the constant teasing and bullying, or if media and society has made it so a lot of girls feel this way.

The first pic, is of an outtake from yesterday's photo shoot.