sorry

It's been a while since I have blogged...So many feelings going on.  I won't be competing as I am heading toward another knee surgery.  I fell in a hole at work on the playground which aggravated the knee even more.  I ended up in the ortho ER since my doctor didn't want to do anything about it, and saw another doc.  My knee 3 months after surgery is still very inflamed.  2 docs, 3 times in PT, 1 surgery which now I think he did the wrong surgery and sought a second opinion, it looks like I am heading for surgery hopefully over Christmas break.  They want to do a lateral release, as my knee is so tight, it is mistracking-same issue I have complained about for a year and should have been done on the first surgery.  I now have a baker's cyst and a bone spur as well.

I just started getting back on track with going back to the gym too.  Right now, the doc and PT has told me to go ahead  and keep working out as to gaining muscle in the bad leg, so the next surgery won't be so hard on me.  Plus there isn't anything I can really do to screw it up more.  I attempted to climb a climbing wall today and liked it, so I think I found a new activity to do.  I have also started corset training.  In a week I have lost an inch around my waist so far.

post knee surgery

Wow, Sept. 2nd is when I went in for knee Artho.  It freaking sucked, like total honesty.  I am in more pain now than before.  My knee wants to buckle or it feels like it catches.  Sometimes if I am on it a while, it feels like someone came up and kicked me in the back of the knee.  Stairs are an issue so is going downhill.  I spent Tuesday/Wed. night in the ER, as I was doing the PT exercises that the doc had me doing and something popped.  I was in extreme pain and my leg from my buttcheek to my toes swelled up.  The ER did x-rays but did not do an MRI as they share a mobile MRI, and it was not there that night and sent me home after giving me a shot, and checking for infection to see my ortho doc as they think I tore a ligament or have some soft tissue issues. They sent me home on crutches and a leg brace. I went back to the ortho doc, and all I got was well I removed a lot of fluid during surgery so I am not worried, and sent me to start PT tomorrow, and to get off the crutches and out of the knee brace.  Ok, I have looked on the internet painful popping after surgery and buckling is not good, so needless to say I am hoping the sports medicine doc and PT, can help it or I will be seeking a second opinion.

I am getting so frustrated because I am tired of sitting and doing nothing. Like I am hearing it from my friends and family that I am overdoing it and getting all sorts of lectured.  First, when I went back to the doc, I did ask if it was from overdoing it and the answer was no, I am having issues because of all the problems that were being fixed, more people only have 1 or 2... I had 4 issues.   I am tired of my leg swelling up and having to not do anything because I am miserable.  I did a photoshoot yesterday that involved driving, then went to an art show gallery opening, and guess what today... I am pretty much in bed because my leg hurts.  It doesn't help, that in my head I keep thinking of how fat I am going to get again, and how all my fitness goals are just floating away.  It's like all my hard work is going out the window.

 So yesterday, I did this shoot for Heels for Combat Boots which is an organization like Wounded Warrior, only the HFCB does PTSD/TBI.  It was a military themed pin-up shoot.  I have been depressed lately with this knee injury that honestly I was going to bail out and here is why:

I have a big confession to make.  I have a huge self-esteem issue, like it's something I battle almost everyday.  So a couple of opportunities came up and I said yes... I almost bailed on them because I felt like I wasn't good enough to do those projects, even though chosen.  I feel like I can't compare to the other girls, because 1. I am plus-size. 2. I am so uncoordinated when it comes to girly things.  3. I think that people only see that fat ugly girl that no one wants.    So I went through the first photoshoot, and yesterday, something clicked.   I am so happy I did it.  I am only sharing because I wanted other girls to know.  I don't know if it's the constant teasing and bullying, or if media and society has made it so a lot of girls feel this way.

The first pic, is of an outtake from yesterday's photo shoot.

disappointment

well Running is done for me for a bit.  Doc follow-up involved a MRI, which in turn sent me to surgery today for knee surgery.  I need a debridement, fat pad issue, fluid on front of knee, and cyst on back of knee.  I did run the foam run a 2 weeks ago, that was a blast only my knee popped and then swelled so I knew I messed it up.  The foam run was a blast, as it was like a big bubble bath.  Only downfall, the foam made my clothes smell but it came out, within a few washings.  My sister and I did her first taco bike ride last Thursday.

Because of knee surgery, my goal of competing in next year's fitness comp is going out the window, each day slowly.  So on that note, I am planning on 2016.  I am however, going to continue the weight loss journey, and I want to run the Spartan Race in Hawaii with my brother next August.

my sis and I on her first taco bike ride

Knee surgery 9-2-2014

last few fun runs

So I have done a few fun runs since being released from the doctor to slowly go back running.  I did the color run last month which was a blast as some of my family ran with me, and my friend.  Last weekend was the Glow Run which my friends ran, along with my sister.  One more month until my half marathon.  Go back to docs in about 2 weeks for my knee.  If it comes to surgery, then will postpone until I do the half.

GLOW RUN Omaha 

new month

So last month, I started half marathon training for the Freedom Run.  I have realized how much dedication it takes to run any type of long distances as each person runs it different and some things work for some but not all.  Had my first experience with GU, which is gross and my stomach doesn't tolerate it at all.  GU is this energy almost pure sugar type substance that looks like space food except it's liquid.  I personally do not like it, so I have tried the rocket chocolate which I love, and buying natural stuff like raisins or pumpkin seeds.  I also made energy bites to take along and for snacks, so much better than cookies.  I have realized how much training wears on the body, today after my 9 mile run/walk, and yesterday's 20 mile bike ride, I am exhausted.  Proper nutrition is also important as really all I want to do is eat, and eat.  It's like a tapeworm cause my body is saying it's always hungry.  On a plus note, I lost almost 7 lbs this week alone.  Put in about 20 miles running/walking, and a 20 mile bike ride.  I am being very cautious on what I eat and so much healthier.  This is from OCTOBER 2013- JULY 2014

RECIPE FOR ENERGY BITES

1/2 marathon training

So I got this crazy idea to sign up for a half marathon.  I have been training for the last 3 weeks, and because the knee issue it has been all mostly walking with some biking, yoga, and zumba to help cross train.  I have found myself liking yoga more and more each time I go.  Today was my 7 mile walk.  So far everything seems to be ok, my legs started to tighten up on the last few miles but a middle of walk stretch helped that. The 1/2 is Sept. 7th and its a Freedom Run for 9/11, and the first responders.  So I will be up against people who have to run for a living, I am not expecting to beat anyone except myself. I am doing it to prove to myself that I can, and will do it.  I don't care if I am the last one who crosses that finish line as long as I cross it.

blahhh

What was supposed to be my last day of PT was supposed to have been Monday.  Well the PT released me, but the Doc on Tuesday did not.  I was all good, went to Zumba Monday night, went walking that night as well.  Tuesday, was getting ready to leave doctor's officer and he said hop on table, lay down and put pressure on my knee and yep...it hurt.  SO NOT RELEASED FOR RUNNING.  The doc seems to think that in 7 weeks, I can be ready for the 1/2 marathon.  Ok, when most training programs are at least 16 weeks, so this is high hopes on the doctor.  He banned me from running for another two weeks, PT 2 times a week for three weeks, and back on naproxen type meds for another 6 weeks.  I am probably not going to keep going to PT, as it seems like it is a waste of my time as it is exercises I can do on my own and not charge insurance.

I can't help but to feel like a failure because I keep thinking my goals of competing next year keeps going out the door.  Like 2 steps forward and 10 back.  Like I feel so disappointed in myself for letting me get injured at my last race.  I let the injury go for months, and this is what happened when I didn't listen to my body.  The knee has been bothering me for months.  I have started yoga classes to help with stretching as the doctor and PT seems to think this will help a lot. I have started back Zumba classes just not as hard core as I normally am, careful about no jumping and squatting.  I have also started walking more, down to a 9 min. mile walking.  I got released to walk, and bike, just nothing high impact.  Like hearing those words in the doctors office, 2 more weeks sucked so bad.  I have not ran in a month.  I gained 10 lbs in the time off, and it grosses me out.

Yesterday, was a day of self-doubt because I feel like I am behind on training and such.  I told my best friend who didn't help the situation by saying I had lots of fat to lose, which I understand but I only need to lose 50 lbs and I have 10 months to do it in.  I just felt it was wrong for them to say that cause it just didn't motivate me at all, in fact the opposite happened.  Hearing those words come out of their mouth just made me feel like a failure, I mean if my best friend can't support me, it just shows me I am on my own in this journey.

one more week

One more week of PT after later today.  I have gained like 10 freaking lbs, this not being able to workout sucks.   I haven't updated cause there isn't really much to say because I haven't been able to workout as I like, just light walking and PT.  I am working on eating healthier and have been scoring at farmer's stands and markets.  I did start 1/2 marathon training yesterday.  First 1/2 marathon is Sept. 7th.  I can't run the training right now so have been walking it.  So far so good, now to get the eating back controlled.

ahhhh....no working out

So I was having some knee issues and was told it was jumper's knee.  So when I ran the Mud, Sweat, and Beer run, I heard something pop and my knee starting hurting more.  I went to see the sports doc who confirmed it was still jumper's knee and sent me to PT.  The doc has said I can run, but the PT said no working out lower body until further notice and sent me home with a heel lift for my shoe, and PT exercises.  I feel like everytime I get a head, I fall behind.  This road to competition is hard.  On a plus note, I took a free fitness competition seminar.  I have occasionally jumped on these webinars that are very informative, so now I know what to expect and what to change.  I am already working on the change.

Taco Dump Soup recipe

Taco Dump Soup recipe

Brown Ground Chicken (1 lb) and add to crock pot.  Add 1/2 to 1 cup diced onion.  Add a 15oz can drained and rinsed black beans.  Add a 15 oz van drained and rinsed kidney or pinto beans.  Add 24 oz stewed tomatoes.  Add 1 can Rotel or diced tomatoes with green chiles.  Add 8 oz can tomato sauce.  Add 15 oz can corn.  Add 1 TBSP chili powder, 2 tsp cumin, and 1 tsp garlic powder OR 1 packet taco seasoning.

Cover crock pot and cook on low about 2-3 hours, longer for the flavors to incorporate.  Serve with a squirt of lime juice, and low fat sour cream or a spoonful of cottage cheese on top, if desired.

Review

I made this for a family of 3 and had enough for leftovers for the next day.  It was more like a stew then soup which was okay.  Loved the recipe, and would make it again.  I did not add the lime juice or sour cream as the stomach issues.

tried new recipe-chicken salad

Chicken Salad

Chicken, plain greek low fat yogurt, dill, lemon juice, and pepper

I used canned chicken-not the healthiest and added a small tub of plain greek yougurt.  Add dill, lemon juice, and pepper to the liking of your choice.  I used about a teaspoon of lemon juice.

2014 mud, sweat, and beer run/ VS incredible sports bra

So I won a free entry to the 2014 Mud, Sweat, and Beer run held at Quarry Oaks in near Omaha.  I had a blast.  The course was hard as it was very hilly, and then there is mud mountain.  Mud Mountain is this area that was completely muddy and uphill so they had a repelling rope to help everyone who needed help.  The rope had knots in it to get that grip that was needed.  It had rained all day, so the course was super muddy during that part.  At the end there was a super adult slip and slide, that had to be done to pass the finish line. I was scared at first because I have never done an off trail race, much less a 7k, the most I race is a 5k.  In running group on Saturday, I run about 2 miles and on Monday I run about 5 miles.   The only downfall on this race, was the fact I couldn't find a place to change so I had to change between my car doors out in the parking lot along with everyone else.  Loved on mile 2, they had free beer, which actually tasted pretty good.  You did get 2 free drinks for entering.

 the crazy slip and slide

Victoria Secret Incredible sports bra

My sister bought this bra for me in exchange for some coupons I gave her.  I was hesitate to get a sports bra from VS, as I love their bras but didn't feel that VS could make a good supportive sports bra.  I picked the incredible because it is supposed to be maximum support with an underwire and cushion just like their regular incredible bras.  I wore the bra tonight during the run and loved it.  My boobs did not move and did not have that uni-boob look which I hate.  I was also worried because I have never worn a racerback type bra, I am used to the Moving Comfort bras that do not have the racerbacks.  After wearing this bra for most of the day and during the race, I love it.  The only downfall, was the band liked to flip up under the boob area.  Overall, I give the bra 2 thumbs as, as I got the support I needed while being able to find the bra in different colors.

tired of it

I AM DONE...I AM DONE.... I AM DONE, they say if you write a goal down, then it reinforces the goal, well I am done being fat.  It hit me over the weekend.  This month has been crazy and no weight loss significance except losing the weight I gained this month.  I am sick of it.  Like I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing blubber.  I am all for confidence and self-love but there comes a point, one no longer looks good in booty shorts or biker shorts.  I am done eating the food that is bad for me.  It's a struggle each day, with me losing the battle, and I am sick and tired of being a loser and finally want to win this battle.  Food is an addiction, I have to face and deal with.  This is probably the biggest goal that is a struggle for me to obtain.  I am going as far as making a motivational board to help me focus.

I did make it to running group this morning.  Running, still an activity I have mixed feelings about because I hate the actual act of running, hate the way it makes my lungs burn.  I do love how it makes me feel like I can accomplish my goals, plus it helps with the weight loss.  Well tomorrow I plan to ride or run but the weather may have different ideas.

the dreaded monthly body check

Here is the recent monthly checkin.  I have not really lost any weight this month, in fact gained and then lost.  Here is today's pics that I took.  I am going to do a side by side comparison to last months to see any difference.  Excuse the messy room too.  I have part of what was in my apartment into 1 room that was like the size of what I had for a kitchen.

Brooks Running shoes

OMG, I LOVE my Brooks Cascadia's.  So far, the best running shoes I have ever owned.  I am just sad I can't afford running shoes that often but now I know to start saving money back to get new ones when needed.  I love how they fit my feet and how they are padded but not too padded so my leg's don't hurt.  I ran my first 5k in them, plus lots of jumping at the after party and no leg or feet pain afterward.  This is not normal for me.  The color fits me perfect too.  I think because those are trail shoes, I am going to have to invest in some street running shoes as well, when I have the money to and already looking at the Brooks Ravenna's or the pure line as I can get away with minimalist shoes.  I can't thanks Brooks enough, that I won a free pair.  The only downfall-too short laces, as you can see in the pic.  I am going to replace those and put in locking laces

Taco Ride

What an adventure.  First of all, the taco ride is about a 30 mile bike ride.  Bicyclist from all over get together on Thursday nights starting in Council Bluffs, Iowa and ride to Mineola, Iowa to the Steakhouse for tacos and margaritas.  In fact the half way point is called Margaritaville, where people have disco balls and lights and music.  Just a fun time to be had by all.  I went today, and had a blast.  Before I went I had a huge stress headache due to not being able to find a job.  After riding, I got to forget a little bit on what is going on in my life, and reach my goal of making it to the steakhouse and back.  The ride to the steakhouse is uphill, but it doesn't feel uphill until halfway through, then you can tell.  I wish I had a foam roller because I have a feeling I am going to be sore tomorrow, when I have to teach fitness.  I can't wait to do it again.

I may have to put my gym membership on hold due to financial reasons, mainly I am broke and even with a scholarship, I can't afford extra.  I had 3 job interviews, and 2 of them-they had no positions open but just had interviews to keep a file of candidates.  I hate being broke and not being able to afford thing such as healthy food and fitness stuff.

Glow Run Lincoln 5k

Well first, $700 bucks later, found out the reason I was feeling horrible was of allergies making my asthma uncontrollable.  I have an allergy to cats that work just couldn't seem to get so needless to say Wed. was my last day.  I didn't even give a 2 week notice, I had to quit, they kept sticking me with a family with lots of cats which in turn was making me sick.  2 trips to the doctors=2 inhalers, 2 allergy meds, and 15 days of antibiotics $700 worth of meds for an allergy they didn't get.  I am so thankful for insurance, otherwise I would be so screwed right now.  That was just the icing, 1 month's check was only for $334 as they did  not have the hours they said they could give me.  How is one supposed to survive on a month's check of $334, when I had to pay for gas to transport their clients, up my insurance to be able to transport their clients, plus car cleaning-long story on that.  I am just freaking out as now I have no job really except my part-time fitness job and bills don't just go away.  I have had some interviews, so hopefully something comes in soon.

I have really fell off the fitness/health wagon the last two weeks, so today I am back at it.  I am feeling like 95% better, and know what I need to do.  I would like to start an inspiration/motivation board to help me too, as I am a visual learner.

So since I was horribly sick every time I went to the client's house and days afterward, my working out suffered as I haven't been able to breath.  I hadn't worked out in like 2 weeks, so I felt really ill prepared for last night's Lincoln Glow Run.  I felt the need to do it though, because I had paid for the race months ago.  I had a blast and the after party was just as much as a workout as the run.  It was not a timed race, but we kind of kept track of our own times and I do believe I have my new PB, pretty much doing the Jeff Galloway of run/walk method.  I am glad I did the run because now I feel inspired to keep on training for the 1/2 marathon.

feeling horrible

I haven't wrote in my blog since Berkshire Hathaway 5k.  Well last week, I started feeling like crap.  I went on a 10-15 mile bike ride anyway.  That was last Thursday and have been pretty much in bed since.  Went to doc today and I have horrible bronchitis.  Thank goodness for insurance cause the medicine would have cost $160.00 without insurance but with insurance, $0.  Antibiotics for bacterial bronchitis and an inhaler to help with my asthma, though I haven't had an attack in like 10 years but the doctor wanted to be safe.  So while in bed today, I decided to feel my arm and I have a little bicep coming along.

Well next week, I have the Glow Run 5K  in Lincoln.

New food recipe:  Ranch flavored tuna with brown rice.  Love it.

Berkshire race

I did the Berkshire Hathaway 5k race this weekend.  Not my best time, but it was fun.  So many people from all over the world.  I ran with my friend and her daughter.  At the end it was weird cause we jumped in a line that we thought was for free Brooks shirts, and then they handed us this coded cards and that determined your prize.  My friend won a shoe bag, her daughter had a choice of either a sun visor, or key holders.  I won a free pair of Brooks shoes.  This was really nice considering I needed a new pair of shoes for an OCR race that I am doing in a few months.  I will admit I am struggling with money on this fitness thing so I set up a gofundme. com page to try to see if I can get help.

Anyway, I decided to start training for the 1/2 marathon I want to do in Sept.  So training starts tonight.  Plus I need to prepare myself for the Zombie Run.

struggling

So I started running which has always been a struggle for me.  It just seems that it fits in my life period right now though, as while running I feel empowered.  I have signed up for several races, and that's where the problem starts, between running and competition I am starting to go broke.  Like I love running races for different causes but between prepping for competition: vitamins, coaching, competition wear,and  healthy eating then add running: shoes, and race fees, outfits, I am needing to raise funds.  My friend suggested I try a gofundme page and see how it goes. I am working 3 part-time jobs that really isn't enough when considering I have to use my own car and not reimbursed for gas on two of my jobs.  Heck, one of them, I can't seem to get paid on time.  I have been interviewing left and right and I am pretty scared tonight of losing what I have left if something doesn't come through soon as in paychecks being on time, and making sure one job has enough hours for me to survive on.

 Here is the link. http://www.gofundme.com/2o3900

blah

Stepped on scale today, and not sure what happened.  It said like 4 lbs more, but I do know a person can have a 6 lbs difference a day.  I raced this weekend, and it was all hills-first time ever running hills.  It was hard but I did get my best time so far this racing season.  This weekend's 5k was the Autism puzzle run and walk.  I did both.  I am hoping the dehydration, extra working out and probably the eating after the race kind of messed my body up.

I got so many compliments on my outfit.  Only one pretty much that dressed up for the run.  I do my own thing to making running fun, and look cute doing it, lol.  Next week's 5k is the Berkshire Hathaway Invest in yourself 5k.  Tomorrow I am going to the gym early because our bathtub is out of commission and I really need to take a shower before work, so what better way of getting a free shower- workout at gym and shower afterward.  I know gross right, lol.

review of Easter weekend

Well Friday, it was my sister's 30th birthday so she decided spaghetti works.  Tried the gluten free spaghetti as I have found out recently I have a gluten intolerance, makes a lot of sense now actually.  I tried to eat a sandwich and not even a half hour later I was sick.  Anyway, back to the gluten free spaghetti, it was amazing.  It was nice to not feel left out while everyone was partaking in the pasta and not have to eat just salad either.

Easter- well the bunny did not come to visit our house so no candy there.  I did grill out spiced turkey burgers and mixed veggies.  I am gad there was no candy as it is so easy for me to be tempted.  Fighting a food addiction is hard and that's what food is to me an addiction.  I LOVE to eat.  This point in time, it is a matter of winning that addiction and steering myself away from it, which I have been doing pretty awesome at.Think though I am trading food for working out, which is fine for now.  I did watch some videos last night of what it takes to compete and one lady's videos made a lot of sense and I am glad she put a warning, the closer it gets to competition time, the worse the food issues arise and pop up.  I am glad I had a year warning so I can be prepared mentally for what that is going to entail.  Not sure what to expect on that part.  Being an alcoholic or a drug addict seems so much easier sometimes, because as an American Society, we mostly revolve around food: social occasions, parties, restaurants, etc.  Least with alcohol and drugs, there is time away from those, like you don't have to go to the bar.  There isn't always a bar on every corner, but there is fast food on every freaking corner.

  I also watched some posing coaching videos, the girl that is helping me for next year has competed before, and plans to compete with me again next year, has told me to go ahead and get my competition shoes, and start practicing posing.  I am not sure how confident I am on this.  The shoes are clear plastic 5 inch stilettos.  I can barely walk in heels, feel like an elephant tramping along.  I am so not graceful walking, more like a walking disaster.  So I am glad I have a year to practice gliding.  Stage presence and I do not get along-always scored bad in pageants which is part of the reason I got out of pageants, first being I love my tattoos too much lol.

April 19, 2014-warning pics

Well everyone suggested I keep a before and after pics.  So I can't believe how painful this was, and how embarrassed I am.  Here is the before pics-after losing 50 lbs and I should have thought about this when I first started in October but didn't.  So As of April 19th, I will try to do at least monthly pics.

decided today to finally say those magical words

I AM A RUNNER!!!! What does one mean when they are I am a runner, that is a question that know one seems to know.  Those who can only run a block can still be a runner.  To be a runner, means the dedication of practicing running no matter what gets in the way.  Today, I actually felt like a runner and am proud to say that I am a runner.  If you would have asked me month ago when I started this weight loss journey that I would consider myself a runner, I would have fell over laughing.  Something hit me Friday when I did Hustle for Hunger.  I feel like part of the running community.


So far this week I am down 2 lbs.  I am exactly 50 lbs from what I want my competition weight should be.  This is a bitter sweet journey because I have already lost 50 since Oct in 6 month period.  I think I can lose 50 more in 6 months and then use the other 6 months before comps to prepare and get more toned.  It does seem like I am working much harder now to lose the weight.  I feel another session with the nutritionist may be in order.

This was me 4/11/2014.

10/2013 at 50 lbs heavier

hell week

Well that was the worst scare in my life.  Got the call today- atypical cells meaning precancer but they removed it.. So found the spots before they turned into melanoma.  The one on my leg was atypical, the one on stomach was starting to turn atypical, and armpit was a benign growth.  So I get to go in yearly and get checked unless more spots pop up.  This time I won't hesitate to go in.  Waiting is the worst especially when not knowing.

big scare

So I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I might as well... I went for a girly exam and the doc told me to make an appt with a dermatologist.  I did and got in right away, especially with my family history of skin cancers.  Well that day, they did find some cancer looking spots-looked a lot like my grandpa's and removed them.  I had 3 spots so far, my leg which had black and brown and was odd shaped, my stomach which literally looked like someone took a fine sharpie and made a poke mark, very little and black, and in my armpit which they weren't sure about.  The doctor even had a student check out the mark on my leg, took measurements made sure it was notated and circled, and said that I should hear back in a week from the lab.  They even took pictures so I have a feeling this is not going to turn out good.  If it is, I lose my pilot's license for awhile-could be years depending if it's basal, squamous, or melonoma.. Melonoma is a no go for a pilot's license.

Armpit, stomach and leg pics of where possible cancer may have been removed


This week is hell.  All I want to do is splurge on what I eat and not care but I have been good and have stuck to my diet and kept working out.  The hole in my armpit hurts the worse as it was literally in my armpit so anytime I raise my arm, put my arm down, or my clothes rub on it, it hurts.

So here it is a nutshell.  If I do have skin cancer, the doc thinks it was all removed when she cut into me.  2. I have many strikes against me so the odds of me getting it was pretty sure: genetics, not a user of sunblock, tanning beds, living in Hawaii. So it is what it is.  I have to thank my best friend in a weird sort of sappy way which I am not a sappy person usually.  Had he not talked me into doing fitness and pushed me into it, I wouldn't have been checking my body out in the mirrors and such, therefor would not have seen the spots.  So in a way, I have to thank fitness and him for maybe saving my life.

The gyno exam sucked, I can no longer be on the shot due to it rotting bones.  It is a blessing in some ways but I did gain like 70 lbs on it but it took like 15 years to gain that.  So now to find something that won't make me gain and does the same job as the shot.  My worst fear is gaining the weight back again.  I can't afford to do that again as I have worked really hard and am continuing to work it off.  The doc wasn't very helpful as she gave me basically two choices and I don't like either.  1.  get my tubes tied which is extreme because I haven't had any kids but I am still young, just haven't found the right person that I want to bear a child with.  2. the other option is too dangerous and is banned in a lot of places for girls who have never had a kid due to perforation or expelling.  This idea didn't appeal to me at all, especially after researching and reading the negatives.  So I left the doc's office with really bad choices, and then being told to see the dermatologist right away.  Not a good start to the week.

Totally 80's rad 5k race

Had a total blast.  So many awesome costumes and colors.  It was a fun run with money going to a few charities, Team Jack, and Juvenile Diabetes.  I ran it with my sister, first time we have raced together that I can remember which probably helped make it more special.  I do believe I made my PR time today.  After the race, totally splurged on food, but still stayed under calorie count.

the ah-hAH moment

Yesterday I was so hungry all day, realized protein was low for the day.  Also learned do not eat spaghetti before Zumba cause it make my stomach hurt, even 2 hours after eating it.

 So today while at gym, some lady was talking and asked if I was running.  I really didn't think she was talking to me, so I didn't answer, so she came around the corner and asked again.  I am like yea, she said well you look like you are into running.  Um, ok..I just got into running, I really don't consider myself a runner of any sorts, in fact I really hate running but am making myself run.  In fact, today at the gym I felt like nothing as if going to the gym was like going to work.  I am normally one for the gym, but today it was kind of a drag to go.  I didn't want to be there, but went anyway and am glad I did.  Apparently the lady who asked me in the locker room, is a fitness instructor and said I should take her class, which apparently a lot of marathon runners take her class.  We had a nice long conversation about fitness.  I thought that rocked because I still see myself as a fat girl not someone who runs.

I am really working hard, as I have a photoshoot coming up on April 19th and I feel that I can lose 10-15 more lbs before the shoot.  The shoot is way out of what I normally do, so it will be interesting as it is outside of my comfort level but I want to expand my horizons.  I am down another 3 lbs since Friday, so I can literally say I ran/hiked my booty off this week.

Oh, I went on a date.  Like I am not a dater, as most people who are overweight seem to have troubles getting dates.  I am on of those girls.  I can actually count on 1 hand how many boyfriends I have had in my life going back to high school years.   I just was never really into dating, and thought why would anyone want someone like me, especially being overweight.  Or I was too busy living life and trying to achieve my goals to think about dating  It went well, and we hope to go out again.  Even now, I am iffy about dating.  In the past few months I have worked really hard to beat this weight issue and I don't want some guy getting in the way of that.  Not everyone understands the journey or how tough it is.  So my first rule of dating, is they have to be supportive of my fitness and my fitness goals.  I can't date someone who is going to tell me it's ok to not workout because it is so easy to slide back into old habits.

recipes

here are 2 of my favorite recipes, the nutritionist gave to me.

Mexican Lasagna

1 1/2 lbs of lean ground beef
9 corn tortilla
2 10 oz cans of mild enchilada sauce
1 15 oz can of black beans, rinsed
1 1/2 cups frozen corn
1 tsp ground cumin
1 1/2 cup shredded low fat mexican cheese

preheat oven to 350.  Brown beef, drain.  Add 1 can of enchilada saue, beans, corn, and cumin.  Boil, reduce heat for 5 mins.  Spray 12x8 pan with cooking spray.  Layer 3 tortillas, then 1/4 cup enchilada sauce, then beef mixture.  Repeat 2 times.  cook for 30 minutes at 350.  Add cheese to top and bake for 5 more minutes.

Crock Pot Pizza Chicken

place 4 chicken breast in crock pot.  Add 1 sliced bell pepper, mushrooms or onions, or other pizza toppings of choice, 1 14oz jar of pizza sauce, 2 cups low fat shredded mozzarella.  Cook on low for 4-6 hours.  With this recipe, I tried a week ago and added vegan pepperoni and it came out really good, as it added enough spice

notice differences

Before starting this transformation, food was an addiction. Now, I try to eat junk food my stomach hurts and I get sick. It happened with a donut, and some cookies. I now realize what healthy food does for a body. I am not really hungry anymore, 5 mins after eating. I don't crave junk food really, if I do-I reach for something with protein in it. I don't like feeling like crap literally after eating junk food. What goes on in my head when I eat junk food: How much do I have to work off when I eat junk food, or I can healthy food and know that my body is using the nutrients to work. My workouts at the gym consist of going to spin class, zumba, weight lifting a few times a week, running, on the weekend hiking or running a race. I am going to add yoga somewhere in the mix. I know for competition if I want to do more than figure, and do the fitness, I need some gymnastics and flexibility in the mix somewhere too. This weekend consisted of a 2 mile run with running club, 4+ mile hike afterwards at a state park, plus some half handstand pushups-still not released from doctor on the weight being on my thumb. Today's workout will consist of hiking.

Where I am at today

In November 2013, I was a size 22/24. With the food plan that the 1 session with a nutrionist and my time in the gym, I am down pant sizes and almost 50 lbs. I have gotten a lot better with junk food, I eat to substain my body, not out of anger, boredom, or depression. I have gotten to where junk food makes me sick, my stomach can't handle it and it's embarrassing. I started teaching again, this time kid's fitness so I go into several preschools/daycares, and teach a new sports activity each week. I found out I have jumper's knee so am getting that taken care of, and being more cautious on stretching out and how I work out. I spend an average of 1-2 hours at the gym a day on top of teaching, and on weekends I love to go hiking. I started running- I HATE RUNNING still, and even joined a Runner's group. I signed up for a bunch of 5k's to race in this summer. I attend Zumba classes along with Spin, will be starting yoga soon as I figure out where on my schedule I can fit it. It amazes me at the transitions. Yes, there are days where I don't want to workout or just pigging out sounds like fun, but I push through it. Yes, there are days that my best friend would tell you as they got the blunt of my frustration because the scale didn't move or I can't see the changes. Last week- it finally hit me, when I was able to get into Jr. sizes at a local Walmart. I haven't seen a Jr. size since I lost weight the first time. I spent about 10 mins in the dressing room crying like a baby because finally I saw that my hard work is starting to pay off. Then yesterday 3/28/2014, It really hit me, when I was able to shop in the women's clothing at Hot Topic, even at my smallest I wasn't able to get into Hot Topics clothes, and no it was not the XXL either. My fitness goal is to lose about 54 more lbs for about a total of 106 lbs. I am hoping to have it lost by October. I gave myself of the goal to compete by May 15th to compete in my first fitness competition. When I first started, I was thinking I wanted to be my idol of Anna Nicole Smith's size of when she first started in modeling. I probably forgot to add, I do pinup modeling. She weight 150 when she first started and was a size 12-14. I have now realized I needed to change my goals, to being smaller because I want to be fit not skinny fat. And fitness body type is different than what Anna had. I really want to thank my best friend for giving me the idea, sticking with me when I am texting them complaining and giving me a kick in the booty when I want to give up.

What started the transformation

Ok, the pic that is posted was done in Nov. 2013. This was after I lost my job, a friend, 1 of my grandparents, and my apartment. I eventually lost my apartment too so I was depressed in which I ate and drank a lot. I love the pics, but do not like my body in those pics. My friend tried to cheer my up, and something they told me stuck in my head til this day, "I was happier when I was teaching fitness and working out." And you know what, they were right. The idea of me transforming my body from being fat into fitness competition came about. I have never seen a fitness competition, had no clue what the journey was going to be about. But like I normally do, I just jumped in. I started with working out at home a few times a week, then in Jan 2014, I got a gym membership to the YMCA. By now I had a few more people die in my life, but learned to handle it better because it was becoming routine. I used my sadness and aggression to motivate myself to go to the gym. I also lost the guy I was somewhat dating during this time. Sometimes he would remind me while together, how I am much bigger than what he is used to yadda, yadda. I have decided I don't want to be just that big chick anymore. I increased my time in the gym, to the point I hate not working out rather in the gym or outside or at home. In Feb. 2014, I got some extra money and paid for a nutrionist because working out is not an issue of mine, it's eating. I LIKE FOOD. I live with people who like food, again always junk food around. Food is universal at all social events. Pic from Nov.2013 when I first started thinking fitness compared to few weeks ago.



***should also note, I use the LoseIt app on the Iphone as a way of keeping track of my food intake and exercise as I am a visual learner so it helps me see where I am at daily on food and exercise.

the beginnings

Weight has always been an issue with my growing up. I was always that fat kid in gymnastics and in school. My family is overweight so it's like I wasn't taught the right ways of working out and nutrition. I am not blaming them as the ultimate responsibility is my own doing. By the time jr. high rolled around I was in misses clothes. High school I graduated at a size 18. I really don't remember a time junk food wasn't in my house, or the common ride bike to the pizza joint a few blocks away to get breadsticks and down a whole box. College rolled around along with the "freshman 50." So it wasn't until my late 20's that I thought about losing weight, I have tried weight watchers= couldn't afford the weekly fee. Physician's Weight Loss center=fail at that attempt to, I couldn't afford the foods and every time I left I felt worse about myself. Self-confidence is a huge issue of mine, right up there with being my own worst critic, and feeling unworthy of anything which ironically comes with being a big girl in a society that thinks big=lazy and unattractive. During the time of going to Physician's weight loss, I was teaching Zumba as my main job and each time I went in there, they basically stated that because I am working out, their diet plan isn't working for me, well no considering I was on an 800 calorie plan. When I first started teaching Zumba, I was also teaching preschool dance and tumbling. I lost 60 lbs within a year. I went from a size 24 down to a 14. I wanted a full-time job so I quit teaching Zumba and went working for Red Cross. One thing about Red Cross, they sure like to feed you. I watched my size go right back up to a 24 in the same amount of time it took me to lose the weight. What I looked like at a size 14, teaching Zumba: